There, just completed the transfer of another cache to my watch. I love this thing, I love all gizmos. I wouldn't mind spending my days in VR, just getting everything done that I need to get done, you know library, shopping, going to the office, everything VR, while my physical body lies completely prone, safe from all the people.
Tad Williams wrote a series of books that I've already read three times, and these books are huge. If I could just have a weekend in that place, what I wouldn't give for that. Would love to meet Orlando, I think he and I might understand each other.I'm sitting here in the Coffee Gump (ha! it worked!), sipping at a mocha. Rachel is behind the counter, and we said a polite hello to each other. I didn't quite meet her eyes, but that's okay considering last week I couldn't even stand in the same room with her. It was great to see Rachel, well, ALMOST see her -- I've got pretty good peripheral vision, and so I saw her around the edges (she's wearing her white jeans, and they are just a tad too tight for me to be comfortable, except in a peripheral vision kind of way, even that was kind of tough, my hands did a little shaking, but that might be more due to the combination of just coming through a Spine and a Blues (even if they were surprising manageable, I mean compared to the normal screaming, moaning, wailing and wild weeping times).I was writing about my fears when my last text allotment ran out, and I've been thinking about it in the intervening time. Yes, I'm afraid. I believe, as the Bible says, that fear is not from God. But then again, fear IS a natural part of our body/brain process -- it is amazingly powerful in a fight or flight type of scenario. So in a sense fear is a blessing from God. BUT baseless fears, ridiculous worries, THOSE are not from God, obviously, they just freeze us in our tracks, hold us in mammoth blocks of ice so that we cannot accomplish anything we are supposed to accomplish.I'm NOT going to let fear rule me anymore. God is my buckler, my strong tower, and especially my hiding place. He is my reality, this whole world is just another form of VR. I don't care what I have to face, even a polar bear. I'll trust in God, that whatever happens is best, I place myself completely in His care and protection, and whatever He wants of me, I accept it (yes, and I feel a ripple of fear go across my body, just writing this down, but God? I mean it, okay? Your will, not mine! Whatever YOU want!!!!!!!).I can know all that, believe it with my whole heart and mind -- but then again, I am a human. So weak. So powerless.I cannot believe the fools that go around claiming they are "god." They make themselves the antichrist. The True Temple of God is our physical body -- Jesus does not need to be worshipped in man-made buildings, but in Truth and Spirit in our God-made "homes" of flesh and blood. And these fools claim they are "god," and they always specify it that way, even saying "with a little 'g' -- we are gods!"The Bible says that God is One. That there is only One God, and all the other "gods" are false gods, not really gods at all, like idols made of a log, people are so stupid that they will bow down and worship something after carving it out of a piece of wood! Have the piece of wood they worship, and the other half they use in the fireplace!What is WRONG with people? Can't they think for themselves? If someone tells them that they are Gumby, do they really think they can walk into a book? Yes, they do, they are that stupid.They just hand their reason over to someone, and if the person tells them to drink poisoned Koolaid, they DO IT!I would rather be an atheist than that stupid. To believe anything.I'm getting so mad right now that I didn't even notice that Rachel came by and topped off my mocha (which she's not really supposed to do, I mean it's not included in the price of a mocha, but I guess Josh and I are such constant customers, that she throws us a bonus once in a while -- sheesh, I wish I had been conscious enough to at least say "Thanks!" but this writing stuff can really gum up your awareness, you know what I mean?). I didn't even see her.Probably for the best.
***
Joshua is in the bathroom, and it's about time for us to leave, but I wanted to jot down what just happened!Remember the church organist I wrote about a while back? The one who is also an amazing violinist, the one that reduced poor Joshua to a puddle of salt water?We just met her here in the Coffee Jump (ha!). She is a beautiful, innocent, sweet, and somewhat broken girl. I don't think I've ever met someone that is just not quite there, I'm not sure if I'm saying this correctly, but she seems to live in a different reality. She has one foot in this world, and more than 90% of her little body in the next world (and no, don't get THAT idea, she towers over me, she must be in the neighborhood of 5'6" and that would just be a little too scary for the likes of me!).BUt she placed her hand on MINE. She actually did that. She even leaned close to me and smiled into my face.I can honestly say this is the closest I've ever in my life been to a woman before (except for that weird girl, the one that kissed me on the forehead -- I still half wonder if that was just a dream, or maybe a nightmare).She told us some of her story, about this bizarre cult she's involved with (I'm fairly certain that it has some connection with JA, because WHAT denomination these days DOESn't, I actually read an article in "Christianity Tomorrow" that says that statistically, JA is the most powerful religious force on the face of the earth, and it has only really been in existence for a couple of years! It's 100 times bigger than "Promise Keepers," and Joshua and I BOTH felt THAT movement was more than a little weird; the article said that JA is bigger and stronger than the Catholic Church! And it is FRIENDLY with the Catholic Church! How scary is THAT?).Her name is Bronte, I think her last name is Chaplin (I don't think we gushed to her how much we love the different "Wuthering Heights" movies -- neither Joshua or I have ever read the book, it's just too murky for our tastes, but we ADORE the different versions, well, TWO of them -- the Timothy Dalton version is a little too stupid, insipid and ridiculous for our tastes, I mean for goodness sake, that movie actually made Heathcliff and Cathy be half-brother and half-sister, how weird is THAT? But the Ralph Fiennes version, wow, that is GOOD, and of course Binoche is to die for, I wish a woman like that existed in real life, but she's an actress, her real-life counterpart doesn't exist, except maybe Rachel, who just walked by, and I'm happy to say she's wearing baggy black pants, so my asthma shouldn't be acting up -- I wonder if she knows how it affects me when she's wearing her faded bluejeans, or her white ones -- I'm glad she doesn't wear the silly girly hip-hugger kind of jeans, because maybe Britney Spears used to be able to get away with it, but 99% of the other women in the world sure couldn't, and I'm glad they're finally out of style -- oh yeah, WH, the classic with Merle Oberon, oh has there ever been a more beautiful woman in the world? Except maybe Jane Seymour, and Sandra Bullock -- oops, sorry for digressing again, but Sir Laurence Olivier plays a rather repressed Heathcliff, and it is probably the most romantic version, at least he doesn't go and dig her up -- come to think of it, WHY in the world do we love that story so much? Talk about tragedy, misery, darkness and depression, not to mention abuse and unrequited love, boy, maybe we should stop watching that movie...)Anyway, sorry about all that, my fingers are just kinda gushing right now. This Bronte may be THE PERSON that God promised? Maybe? I don't know. I was hoping it would be a man. But if it is Bronte, that's okay, really, she's just the sweetest little thing. It goes to show that virginity is not such a bad plan (which makes me wonder, about R, but then again, better not go there).I think that Bronte, Joshua and me can actually hang out. It wouldn't be too weird. I think she can be our buddy, like our little sis.And maybe this is wrong, BUT I WANT TO PROTECT HER. Is that terrible?I don't know, when she was sitting at our table, sipping at her tea (she was picking up coffee and pizza for her "group," and she actually shudders when she thinks about them), I felt she could look at me like I'm a real person, not just a twisted little piece of dwarf meat. And she actually found Joshua charming (rare woman, that). She actually laughed at some of his silly "jokes" (miraculous woman, that).I can't believe she's been one of the three organists at our church for the past 5 years (she's not a member, but she does cycles through about 5 different churches, all of different denominations -- she's kept jumping, what with needs for her musical skills at so many different churches, she plays the harp, the violin, the flute, organ, plus I guess everything else ever invented, except maybe the bagpipes -- I don't really know if she plays the bagpipes or not, just doesn't seem bloody likely). I've seen her about, always thought she was a cutey, but just never bumped into her.Joshua is positive she's "The One" (the Golden Child, our own personal Neo, the Pied Piper of Chaplin -- another coincidence, Joshua and I are HUGE fans of Charlie Chaplin, I wonder if Bronte is related?), but I don't know. Definitely a four-leaf clover (you know, you find one, are delighted, and you snatch it up and never let it go).Finally, Joshua is coming out. Sure hope he washed his hands.Okay, he just went to get the truck. Something weird is going on. He wanted me to walk down with him to where the truck is -- IT'S LIKE TWO BLOCKS AWAY!!!! I couldn't walk that on a good day, and it's night out there, and dark (I kinda/sorta sensed that Josh is afraid, he doesn't want to walk down there in the dark, either, but Josh is not the kind of guy to ever pay attention to his fears, he's not afraid of anything, well, about the only thing bigger than Joshua is an elephant) -- and something very strange. None of the streetlights are on, down the whole length of the street.I'm worried about Joshua. That did it. I'm going, I have to make sure he's okay. If it wasn't for me, that poor oaf wouldn't stand a chance out in the real world. Oh boy, I'm stalling. I'm very afraid to go down that dark street......but that's it, I'm going, in half a second I'll flip off this Palm and start gimping down the street (thank God I've got both canes tonight, I'll need them). Lord God? I commend my whole being into your Hands.Here I go -- I'm saving this to my watch, you know, just in case. I'm going to have to leave my backpack with Rachel, behind the counter, because I could never carry the whole thing (don't know why that idiot Joshua didn't take it, except that I wanted to keep writing, because he always takes forever to go get the truck, he's probably smelling the last of the flowers before cruel winter snatches them all away -- YES, I know, I'm stalling, I'm going, I'm going) (this will give me a chance to say goodby to R, in case something dreadful happens, maybe I'll even lean across, grab her by the back of the head, and plant a big smoocher on her -- as Joshua would call it -- STALLing, I know). Here I go.And here I go. Right now. I'm turning off this Palm. In just one sec... Now. Right now.Here we go -- it's like going down the big hill on a roller coaster (I've never ridden a roller coaster, but I have a vivid imagination). Yes I know, stalling, stalling...I will not be afraid. Joshua needs me. I can feel it! Trusting in you, Jesus.Bye. Michael OUT.
***
I'm not sure if I can continue writing in this journal, as just about everything in my life has changed over the past 3 weeks since last I wrote here. I mean, life itself has changed. My concept of life.There's so many things to write about, I don't know where to start, or even if I SHOULD put any of them down here in my journal, or if anyone ever read these things in here, would they believe anything? I hardly believe anything.I'm finally away from the hospital, it seems like my whole life has been focused on two different hospitals for the past 3 weeks, and no, it had nothing to do with ME, for once, I wasn't the invalid.Poor Joshua, though, things looked bad for him, for a while. Not because HE was so hurt, as he could probably take quite a bit more than he's taken, which is a lot. But what has happend to almost his whole family.Conspiracies are alive, and as is the nature of conspiracies, you can't prove them, even when you know they are real, when you feel it in the deepest molecules your being, down to the itsy-bitsiest mitochondria, those little squirmers who may or may not exist.I have met my nightmares, and I am alive. My nightmares exist, they walk around in human form, they are out there right now, and they actually voiced their intention of killing me, of killing Joshua. And I am not afraid.Oh YES, I am terrified, but I have learned to trust in God, no matter what happens. And it doesn't mean anything good is slated to happen, because I wonder if anything good CAN happen in this world......except that I KNOW it can happen, GOOD. It is REAL. It EXISTS. I know it.I have experienced it.Probably the biggest thing I have to write about is the angel -- I met a real, live angel. Well, not the mythological kind of angel, but a real flesh-and-blood human man that was sent by God, who saved me, this big man, he came flying out of the night and crashed into my nightmares.And we WON!Ah-feh-tu chi-knee al frey-do!No, you're not supposed to know what THAT means, but it is my magical mantra (not really, I'm just kidding) . . . Stacey gave me that to say, if I'm ever down, or depressed. Just say it, all drawn out, and remember to roll your RRRRrrrrrs.Stacey, I guess that's the first time I've written out his name in my watch. Stacey Colton. He's our angel, Joshua's and mine.He's saved our life in the last 3 weeks, oh, maybe two or three times.Once was on that night, the last night I wrote in this journal. Joshua had gone to get the truck and he was taking soooo long, and so I finally went after him. It's probably the closest I've come to actually RUNNING in my entire life. I had both my canes, thank God, and so I was actually able to come up on Joshua as he was facing down the scariest man I've met in my life, the homicidal blond from my dreams.He was waiting for Joshua in front of the truck. All the streetlights were busted out, it was black, and this scary blond guy was wearing all black clothes, to Joshua, it was like a floating white head in the night, that's how Joshua keeps referring to the blond, as the floating white head in the night.Everything's been real, it wasn't my imagination. The black vans. They're everywhere. And the blond. The surveillance.I can't really bring myself to write about it yet.But on the same night there was this knife fight in the restaurant next door to the one we were eating in, me and Stacey and Joshua. And we ALMOST went to that one. It terrifies me to think about that.Poor Stacey almost got skewered, first by the blond, and THEN again at Peppy's, the little pizza shack.A miracle: Ephesians 6:16.Note Reminders: Bible as a shield. Stacey should have bled to death. Spirit of heaviness. Three of them at first, and then that last, the tall man that looked like a skeleton.Remember to pray for Jack, things still don't look good for him. In fact they want to unplug him, already. They say he's dead. But we don't think so.Jack looked right into Stacey's eyes and said: "Papa."And then there's the terrible thing that happened to Stacey's two children, the poor babies, they were just babies, and it was their own mother.Stacey visited her in jail.He met Grampy Doc, which is another coincidence that is just too huge.We were all in a state of shock after we heard that Adelaine had been raped and murdered, she was so beautiful, so innocent and sweet.I don't have much time left to write, we're kind of running right now, it's very exciting, but very uncomfortable too, I slept on smashed cardboard that Stacey flattened out for me, he and Joshua slept on concrete. Poor Joshua's stitches might be getting infected, and only prayer is holding things back, yeah, that might sound crazy, but I'll have to fill you in on that next chance I have to write.I promise to get back here. Yes, I'm going to keep writing. I think I have to start being specific about things, so next time I promise I'll do my best at telling the story. I should have Stacey tell it, because he's a writer. But then I would have to admit to him that I've been writing this journal and that would be too embarassing. It's bad enough that Joshua knows.Joshua hasn't been joking me about my journal, he doesn't do too much joking at all right now. Obviously, he doesn't feel too good. I miss it, I admit, Joshua's childish sense of humor.Anyway, I better go, it sounds like Stacey and Joshua are starting to wake up.We're going to go to Rachel's house, as there is no connection between us and her, Joshua thinks it would be safe, and we trust her. But things look bad for us right now, what with our pictures on TV as if we're criminals, they're actually HINTING that we are the ones that did what happened to Joshua's whole family, poor Oma and Opa, I loved them, so much.I will write soon. I hope.It's a whole new world, but trust me, it's not all bad.
***
Ah-feh-tu chi-knee al frey-do!Ah-feh-tu chi-knee al frey-do!Remember to roll the Rrrrs, remember to roll the Rrrs, Ah-feh-tu chi-knee al frey-do!
***
Sorry about that, that last bit I wrote just an hour ago, and I already feel better. I guess more than down or depressed, I'm feeling terrified. This is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, even counting the night on the black street with the homicidal blond (and yes, we saw him again, he and Stacey faced off AGAIN, but Joshua and I were in the house, um, Rachel's house, and somehow they tracked us, even there, where we'd never been before . . . now Rachel is on the road with us and we're not really sure where we're going to go). Where was I?Oh. Rachel and I. We've been spending a lot of time together, talking, and even (I guess I shouldn't say this, not yet) (but I will) holding hands, a couple of times (but my palms sweat, I mean REALLY bad).I can't believe I'm focusing on this, about Rachel, with everything else that's going on.Stacey is really bad right now. I mean he is not exactly depressed, not even so much SAD, but he is greiving, deeply, his face always seems gray. We gave him a very short haircut (his hair used to be fairly long), Rachel and I did, and we even dyed the gray out of his hair (I was sad to do that, because it was just so distinctly HIM, Stacey that is, he told us his ex-wife used to call him a reverse skunk, because his hair has been going prematurely gray for the past ten years, only just on the sides from his temples to just above his ears, but to me he still looks like an angel, a fierce angel -- okay, a nice angel too, but one you do not want to mess with).He doesn't joke so much (and I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of happy about that, as I can only take so much rhyming, and when Stacey and Joshua go at it, it is really disgusting, I mean they just won't stop) but the kindness in his eyes has only gone deeper, if anything. That first night Joshua and I talked to him, it was just so obvious what a nice guy he is, and now, with his deep grief, he is even nicer, if always a little sad, a little melancholy (if I used that word in front of Stacey, he would make a joke about a collie dog he used to have, and watermellons, the only reason I say this is because he already made a joke about it, and root beer came out of Joshua's nose, I'm almost dying just thinking about it, but like I said, Stacey doesn't joke so much, the horrible things that have happened to both Stacey and Joshua, I don't know how either of them can ever smile again.I feel responsible that Rachel is involved in all this. I am responsible, but she told me she is happy, and that she won't leave me. Then she said: "I mean you and Joshua and Stacey. I'm sticking with you guys."Rachel isn't a Christian. She comes from a Buddhist family, but she's not that either (thank God). She is not very open to religion, at least not right now. She's asked me about stuff, you know, my past, and things, but I can't tell her too much, at least not yet.I cannot say that I know what is going on, right now, with Rachel and me -- I really can't say, I don't know. What I really think is that she's being nice to me, that she feels sorry for me.When we hold hands it is very difficult for me to breathe. Somehow her hands affect my bronchial tubes, I swer, I strat to have an assma attax every time she sits down next to mine. En thinkiing about it now makes me upesot, not exacdtly upset, but you no, I can not can not think too clarity.She is soooo beautiful. Her father is Japanese and her motherr iss American Indian and French and I don't know if a woman could be more beauty full than her, and sew I no that she can not can be serious about mine beacu look at me.
***
You know who else is with us? Jack, that kid from the hospital, the one that Stacey saved TWICE. First he saved him at the pizza place when those mean boys were beating him up, stabbing him, and then at the hospital Stacey stopped a man with a gun -- the police said he was just a lunatic, but Stacey thinks something is going on, that it was a professional killer that came in sent to kill Jack, and even the hospital people and Jack's parents wanted to unplug the poor kid, because they're saying he is in a vegetative state and that there's no hope that he can ever wake up.Stacey went and got him. He said he thinks that something is going on. Stacey just went into the hospital, walked past the nurses and went and took Jack out of the bed, he was already unplugged and breathing on his own, and Stacey just took him, picked him up in his strong arms and carried him right out of the hospital and no one said a single thing to him.We've been watching the news stations on my Palm PC and they haven't said anything about Jack being kidnapped.You know what I think?I think that Stacey IS an angel. He can do things that people aren't supposed to be able to do. I saw him stop four men, three of them were much bigger than him (and Stacey is a very big man) -- I'm not exaggerating when I compare him to Samson. Then he can walk through a crowded hospital, carrying a boy in a coma, and nobody says boo to him.The other night I started a Blues episode, I mean we were sleeping in garage, and it's getting real cold at night, and my spine was aching (not a Spine night, please Lord, hold that off a while longer, thank You) and my teeth were throbbing, and Stacey sat down beside me and put his arm around me, and I am telling you the truth that heat comes off his body, he is like a human heater machine, and I felt peace, for the first time in I don't know how long, I felt peace.My teeth stopped throbbing, my spine relaxed, and I fell asleep (and remember, I have trouble falling asleep at Joshua's house, in a comfortable bed, with two blankets and a down comforter).Yes, I know Stacey is a human. He's a man, and I've heard him cuss, and I've seen him be sad, probably sadder than any man in the world, and I've heard him be every bit as crude as Joshua. And those puns, he's worse than Joshua. Plus, I hate to say, he has slow bowels, it's embarassing how long he has to spend in the bathroom.He's a regular guy, like Joshua.But then again, he's something more. When he looks you in the eyes you can feel a flash of power. When he smiles at you, you feel happy. When he gets a glint in his eyes, if something upsets him, and he looks you in the eyes, you have to look away.I don't know what I'm trying to say. But I know I'm glad he's on our side.
***
Rachel and Stacey are taking care of Jack, and the boy eats food, and goes to the bathroom, and we've all been taking turns reading to him. Stacey and Joshua have been taking turns reading "The Fellowship of the Ring," and Rachel and I have been reading him the Bible (I read the King James Version, and Rachel is reading from Stacey's New Living Translation -- Stacey reads all the time from both Bibles, by himself) (Stacey still hasn't asked Joshua and me any questions that have made us angry, and we've talked about the possibility that he might not be the One that God told Joshua about, but we don't care either way, we love Stacey like a father; I know that sounds really odd, thinking of Stacey as a dad, but that's how Joshua and I talk about him, as a big strong father that is going to take care of us; we both of us feel guilty about pulling poor Stacey in on all of this, because these bad guys are after US, not after Rachel or Stacey; Stacey thinks they are after Jack, too, for some reason, AND HIM; he said he knows that two of those bad guys are after him specifically, because of the fight, and then when Stacey and the blond faced off that night on the street, I mean the second time they faced off, they didn't come to blows that time, they just growled at each other) (I am SO sorry about the length of that aside, it was terrible of me).
***
Grampy Doc met with us today, he brought us some food, money, blankets, and a gun. Stacey said we didn't want a gun, and Joshua and I agreed. Rachel said we were nuts and she took the gun.Grampy Doc (I'm very embarassed to refer to him as "Grampy Doc," but that's what Joshua calls him, and I can tell that Grampy Doc doesn't like to be called that by someone that looks like a seven-foot tall chimpanzee, that's what he sometimes calls Joshua; Joshua is the uncle of Adelaine and Genevieve, both of them beautiful sweethearts that love the Lord, and Grampy Doc is, of course, their grandpa -- he's not related to Joshua, except that Joshua's brother is married to Grampy Doc's daughter) talked to Stacey for a long time, it must have been hours. And he said that something big is going on, all over the country, that police departments and para-military groups and militias and all these oddball groups that shouldn't have anything to do with each other, are all starting to hook up, and it all has to do with the JA.Stacey sits and stares for minutes at a time, thinking, and Grampy Doc sits and stares at Stacey. It's like he's looking to Stacey to figure things out, like me and Joshua are as well. Grampy Doc told us about this compound in San Diego that he "visited" (he explained a little bit about the "visit" and he started laughing so hard he had this terrible coughing fit and he actually passed out! He's been a smoker all his life, and only recently did something happen that made him quit, we don't know what it was, but it was something big).Joshua tried to ask Grampy Doc about Adelaine, who was killed about a month ago, but Grampy Doc pointed his finger in Joshua's face and told him to not say a single word about her."What's going on in the world?" Stacey asked.Nobody tried to answer him. But it was so very apparent, we were all so scared by that question.I KNOW what it is. I didn't say anything, and I won't say anything, but I know.It's what Jesus said.He said that the love of many would grow cold.And that's just about the scariest thing in the world.
***
We've got a radio that we listen to every day, it's on just about all the time -- it's a good thing I brought my solar kite, plus I've always got a lot of rechargeables (sometimes being a tech geek can really pay off, Stacey is really fascinated by all my "little" stuff, he had never even used a Palm PC before, let alone seen anything off a watch cache!)......but everyday we hear that a mother has slit the throats of her little lambs (which makes Stacey go to a different place, it's not that he sits around weeping, but his grief is so heavy that everyone can feel it, even when we're in a different part of this abandoned apartment complex) or a father kills his own family (and a father is supposed to be a protector!) . . . and do you know what we keep hearing, over and over and over again? And I'm talking about newscasts here, not psuedo-religious crap (wow, I have to be pretty mad to use a word like, um, the one I just used before this aside began) . . . on the NEWS they keep saying that "at least these children are in a better place" or "now God is watching over them" or "hopefully they will find peace in their creator" -- !!!!!!!!I know that there are many, many people who find all this heartening. That culture is turning back to God. That even the bizarre lurid controversy-licking news media is talking about God, is mentioning heaven, is suggesting that maybe these families are BETTER OFF, you know? That suicide is a good thing. That all these dead children are now in heaven.I know this is what I've been told, over and over again throughout every Sunday school I've ever attended, that as soon as you die, you pop up in God's arms, in heaven, that especially if you are a child, you go to heaven.So if all this is true, then all these mothers that are killing their children -- THEY ARE RIGHT TO DO SO!!! Aren't they? Isn't THAT what the whole message is? Isn't THIS what the newscasters are picking up on, that this is what Christianity teaches? That it is BETTER to leave this world to go to a better place.I've been thinking about this for a long time. Okay, my whole life. Something about it doesn't make sense. It's the same something that draws every single doomsday cult to the same ending, isn't it?The thought that "we are leaving this place, and as soon as we shed this mortal coil. boom-bam-BLAM we have crossed the threshold into a BETTER PLACE."Enter the light.The happy relatives that died a long time ago (not that I have ANY of those, well, at least none that I know about, I'm sure I must be related to some good people at some time in history, possible even Chaim Potok! To be related to someone that could write something like "Asher Lev," that's almost too much to think about) -- go to the light. The dark tunnel, with light at the end.It all goes back to the same thing. And everyone knows it. Everyone who has ever read the Bible knows this thing, but they don't want to admit it, because everybody knows that they'll have to admit that Christianity is WRONG, about everything. That they have followed a lie -- that their whole crystal cathedral has been built with faulty, brittle crystal playing cards -- and you remove the one, the one way down at the bottom, and the whole nightmare house comes crashing down, and nothing bigger than a sliver of jagged glass will remain.The lie.If you believe in conspiracy theories (Joshua and I have always been big on them, even the movie with Mel Gibson, that was great, though it was more about urban legends than conspiracy theories) -- then you know that Christianity has some of the biggies. The whole thing about the devil -- does he exist?I forget which poet said it, but it was in that movie "The Usual Suspects," that the greatest trick the devil ever did, was to convince the world that he doesn't exist.Think about it, if it's true. That there is a malevolent god-like being alive and well, and that he hates you, he hates me, and her and him, and he is doing everything possible in his big repertoire of tricks, to lead us away from Yahweh, so that we in our ignorance will unknowingly worship HIM, the evil guy, the guy who has convinced us that he doesn't even exist, so that our every choice and thought will be about him, the big faker, the master illusionist . . . and he, this guy, if he's real, told the very first lie. Jesus even called him the "father of lies," so he, this devil, is the creator of lies!He is actually a creator, and by tricking all of us into believing that he doesn't exist, it makes it all that more simple for us to turn toward him, to an invisible thing -- he wants to be known as the creator, he wants to usurp The Creator.Did you know the big secret behind Satanism? I'm not talking about all the silliness, I mean the real religion of Satanism? It is this: that Yahweh is insane, that He is God, and that He has gone bonkers, and that Lucifer is the sane one in the universe, that only he can stand up to Yahweh, and defeat him.It really teaches this. And its followers really believe it.The "father of lies" is pulling this stunt, convincing people that our Father, Yahweh, is insane. And when you look at the world, everything that is going on, ESPECIALLY ORGANIZED RELIGION, you can believe it. You can accept it.In short, almost everyone has become a Satanist! (I know, your knee is jerking right now, you're saying that I am crazy, that Michael Potok is a complete nutcase, and I almost wish it were true, because I feel like the last sane man on a planet of psychopaths, which in reality makes ME the crazy one, the living loony tune, nutjob)What was the first lie?What is the lie I keep hearing on the news?Think about it -- the devil convinced the perfect creation that she could become like God. That she WOULDN'T die, that she would become immortal (or maybe that she was in fact created immortal) . . . I can't even talk to Joshua about most of this stuff, because let's face it, he's a dyed in the wool Baptist, and will always be a Baptist, and to question the central doctrine of the immortality of humans, well, Joshua might just clobber me (now that is a silly image -- to get back at me, Joshua would probably clobber himself, and then when I was putting bandaids on him, he's probably make me swear to never question the immortality of our souls, ever, again).But it was a lie, right? That we wouldn't die! That we are immortal!But I've read the Bible. The first time I read it I was eight years old. It was a "Living Bible" that a social worker gave me (and I know that took some guts, she probably could have gotten fired for giving me a Bible). But I read through it. I mean, I had been reading adult literature for several years by that time. I think I read at college level when I six years old. But I drank down the Bible (okay, so the "Living Bible" isn't really a Bible, it's just a paraphrase of the Bible, but still, God talked to me through that paraphrase). I think I read it five times before I turned nine.Then I started reading all the different versions. Sometimes I think my cells are made out of scripture instead of real physical material. I was eating on the Word of God, the Bread of God......and I wasn't even close to being a Christian. I mean, I've always kind of identified with Judaism, mainly because of my name, but my mother certainly wasn't Jewish (that's how Jews reckon Jewish genes are passed, through the mom) and I don't know who my father was, but it's where I got my name, at least I THINK it's where I got my name, on my birth certificate it says "Aharon Potok" for father, and I've done a lot of phone book surfing in my life) but the Jews seem to LIVE this stuff, what's in the Bible, whereas "Christians" seem to TALK it (and talk it to DEATH).
* * *
(Okay, this is a major aside, at least I'm afraid it is going to be, but everyone is sleeping right now, it's complete darkness throughout the apartments, and sometimes we hear gunshots, some real close, but we're pretty much used to them, so no one even wakes up anymore, and it doesn't even really bother me -- we're all sleeping in the same room, Stacey doesn't want ANYone out of his sight, he's kind of like our group papa, Rachel is right next to me, right now, her knee is poking my thigh, and it kind of hurts, but I wouldn't shift my body, not for the world, and Joshua's big sack of a body is on my right, I think everyone is snoring right now, it sounds like a bunch of crickets operating chainsaws, and I can just make out Stacey's silhouette, right now, he's sitting out in hallway with his legs dangling over the third-floor ledge, his hands holding the wooden "bars," like he's in jail, just looking down, I wonder if he ever thinks of jumping? But anyway, I remember listening to a Rabbi on a radio show, he was talking about how it was a universal idea, that the three biggie religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Muslimism -- is Muslimism a word? Anyway -- that these three religions are represented by Ishmael [Muslim], Jacob [Judaism] and Esau [Christianity] . . . I'm not sure how this is even possible, as Ishmael would be uncle to the other guys, but let's go with it . . Ishmael wasn't a bad guy, it was mainly that his aunt Sarah couldn't get along with Hagar, she was pretty bitchy about the whole thing, even though it was her great light bulb in the first place, for Abraham to "knock boots" with Hagar -- sorry, I've heard Stacey use this expression, and even though I don't particularly like it, everyone laughs when Stacey says something like this -- but that Ishmael was a rough and tumble guy, and that he might have eventually have hurt Isaac, and so that's why he was driven into the wilderness, and that's why he's pissed off [sorry about that, but it fits, that's all, it makes me sick, true, but it fits], pissed off even until today, and that's why he wants to destroy his nephews Jacob and Esau. Now Jacob is smartest of the three, and he is the only one who actually wants to live what God wants, who actually obeys what God says, he's clean, he's clever, but he inherited Abraham's lack of courage, he gets afraid, all the time, and I can identify with that, because the devil hates him most of all, and turns everyone against Jacob, so Jacob, being smart, also has to be afraid, because he knows what is against him. Then there is Esau, he is willing to give away everything that he has inherited, he's just as brutal as his Uncle Ishmael, he's a hunter, he's loud and abusive, and both Jacob and Ishmael are afraid of him, because he's strong without having an overabundance of noodle power -- wouldn't that be something, if we found a source of energy derived from noodles, but I digress, duh -- so Esau doesn't obey, he doesn't live, but he talks a lot, and he talks the loudest, at heart he's not really such a bad guy, but he thinks with his heart instead of his head, and thus is the most dangerous of the three. It's terrifying, but what that Rabbi was talking about on the radio? I see it coming TRUE, today, in the so-called "Jehovah's Army," Esau is exploding across the world, he's coming into his own, and he's just as loud and angry as ever, and he's ultra pissed off [sorry] with both Jacob and Ishmael, and neither of them has even a hope of standing up to Esau, and he's talking the spiritual talk, but he has never walked the spiritual walk -- he says "Grace, Grace, Grace," but he reflects absolutely NO GRACE, no love, no pity, no forgiveness -- Esau is shouting the age-old lie: "We are GOD, we are immortal, we will not die, and we have to take controlof this world!") official end of aside(whew)
* * *
Grampy Doc is here now, too, not just visiting (I mean, he is WITH us, permanently, on the run). Grandma is with him (it feels so good to call her that, even though of course we're not remotely related, not even Joshua is even related to them), she gives us such love, all the time. And she even found a way to bake cookies, if you can believe it.Stacey told us about this hidden sanctuary, where all these broken people are gathering. Where they worship God in spirit, and truth. He says it will only be found by us, when we are ready to find -- I kind of don't even believe him, but then of course, I DO, if Stacey said we all needed to lie down on the busy freeway, I think I would lie down (thank God that Stacey isn't any kind of would-be cult leader, because he's the kind of man you have to follow).But this abandoned apartment complex ALMOST feels like home, well, kinda/sorta. At least we're all together. I feel that I have a family, a real family, for the first time. In my life. You know? I'm actually happy.(!!!)
* * *
Grampy Doc is in constant touch with "Joe Walker" (that's what Grampy Doc calls him, like that, with the quotation marks, so we know it's probably not his real name, it might not even be a "person," we only know that he is on some special task force with a secret Government group that ISN'T the FBI, and ISN'T the CIA, but it's the last group that is watching over the JA) and we are supposed to lie low, not contact any of our friends or relatives, in fact all our friends and relatives have been warned to go on extensive vacations, we were told that they are actually being paid to lie low themselves, otherwise what happened to Opa and Oma could happen to others, as well, and what happend to both of Joshua's brothers.It's hard to believe, even now, that this kind of thing is happening in this country. Of course, that's what the Jews thought when the Holocaust was first getting rolling. It's what everybody thinks when humans start doing what they are oh so good at doing to other humans.
* * *
Jack is awake -- we have witnessed so many (what we would have seen as) miracles (before any of this stuff started) that we have almost gotten used to them, they are hardly surprising any more. But Jack just opened his eyes, and looked at Stacey, and do you know what he said?"Pop Pop."
* * *
I just started looking back over this journal, this is the first time I've allowed myself, and I've actually begun to do some annotations, just little notes to myself. Boy, I wish I could reach out and touch that poor guy who began this journal, let him know what's coming, up, the good stuff, the bad stuff, you know, some of the unbelievable stuff. I mean he had no idea about Stacey (who is reading the Bible, right now he's reading from three different version -- I'm serious, he's reading a chapter from one, then he reads the same chapter from the other two, he's already almost through Exodus; last week he finished reading "The New Living Translation," from cover to cover) or really, even Rachel, he hadn't met Jack, and he never would have believed he'd be strong enough to lose absolutely everything (except for a few neat gizmos in his backpack) and live in abandoned buildings and factories, and a few times huddled outside with only other bodies to keep him warm.You know, if I could tell Michael just one thing, the Michael of THEN, it would be to PRAY (and I realize that THAT Michael prayed, quite often), but more to talk to God, constantly. Just, any time he had a free moment or two, just talk to God.Stacey asked about my watch, and I showed it to him. I explained about the storage space and the simplistic softwares, you know perpetual calendar, notepad, radio, database for phone numbers and birthdays and all the usual stuff, and how if I want I can actually hook up my little springboard keyboard, and write INTO my watch (usually I do everything on my Palm PC, as it is much faster, so I don't make quite as many typos).I whispered to him about my "secret journal" and he told me that he'd been keeping a journal for the past 20 years, that he actually has stacks of notebooks of them. I told him I'd like to read them. Then you know what he said? He said it would be an honor if he could read MY journal.Of course, I'm not ready for that. Maybe someday, you know, I might let Stacey read this. Only him. But not yet. I mean, it's tough enough for me to go back and read some of the things I was writing about (I come off as such a pampered and selfish BABY -- I didn't even have a clue how lucky I was, how many advantages, how nice Joshua was to me, how undeserving I was of all the many blessings God had given to me, what was I thinking, anyway?) (so far, I've only read a page or two, and made a couple of notes in the margin).
* * *
Stacey is teaching Joshua how to wrestle. It is REALLY funny. It is like watching a wolf wrestle with an elephant, each of them trying so hard to play nice, while all the time trying to roll the other one into a ball. Usually, even though he doesn't know anything about fighting, Joshua manages to lie on top of Stacey, and the poor guy really can't even move!But then even funnier is when Stacey maneuvers Joshua around and the much smaller man ends up on top and Joshua can't move! (I don't know if I've mentioned it, but Stacey is NOT a small man, in fact, in a different kind of big, he's more impressive than Joshua -- Joshua is like a big rectangle, while Stacey is like a big inverted triangle) Joshua says that Stacey is the strongest man he's ever met. And they love to arm wrestle.Of course Joshua wins every time they arm wrestle, but it's still fun to watch. Every time Joshua slams his arm down on the table (Joshua admits that it isn't easy, but still, I don't think he's trying THAT hard) Stacey gets all red in the face, and you can TELL he's angry (not at Joshua, but at himself).Grampy Doc always shakes his head and says: "Rabbit shouldn't pit his paw against the Moose hoof."Joshua likes to wrestle with Stacey. At first you could tell he didn't want to do it. He's always been afraid of hurting someone (Stacey measured him yesterday, and even though Joshua was cheating, first slumping his shoulders, then bending his knees, Stacey says that Joshua is six foot eleven and a half, and that if Joshua would stop cheating it might actually read seven feet OR TALLER! Joshua swears up and down that Stacey's method of measuring is faulty since we don't have a tape measure or ruler, but Stacey uses his boots which he claims are twelve inches long, Joshua swears up and down that he is ONLY six-foot nine inches and not a milimeter more).Stacey says that the best way NOT to hurt anyone, is to know how to wrestle.I haven't mentioned this, but several years ago Stacey used to be a professional boxer. He says he's gone to fat, but he sure doesn't look fat to me. He also learned how to wrestle, because he was going to do that mixed martial arts kind of fighting (I've never seen it, but Stacey told us about it) -- I'm glad he's out of it. I have a hard time believing he actually used to HIT people for a living, he's just so nice (even though that first night I witnessed how he CAN hit people).Stacey says he got out of fighting because of two reasons. Number one, he doesn't like to hit people, it always bothered him, and he knocked several people out, and it always scared him, he was afraid they would never wake up; Number two is that he hates to get hit -- you wouldn't guess that he ever DID get hit, as his face is so perfect, most boxers I've ever seen had puffy faces, or big scars (of course, I've only got movies to go by).
* * *
It feels indecent for me to be writing this, but I feel I HAVE to (or I might explode).Rachel kissed me tonight.She said good night, and then she did it.I'm surprised I didn't die, or at least faint (it was close, I'm certain, my heart started hammering so hard).But she placed her hands on my shoulders, then she walked around behind me, and then she moved up close behind me, and placed her cheek on mine. We stood like that for probably an eternity, and then she softly kissed me on the cheek.I couldn't move, even when I realized she wasn't there any more.Maybe I just dreamed it.I might never fall asleep AGAIN.But if it was a dream, then I might never wake up.
* * *
Boy oh boy, did some things just hit the proverbial fan. I've never seen Joshua SO angry. He was livid. And it just started out with Stacey talking about the Bible.Granted, Stacey said some things that aren't Biblical, and Joshua just tried to straighten it out, but Stacey can be very convincing, in his quiet, calm way, and he just kept using logic.Of course, Joshua knows much more about the Bible than does Stacey.But Stacey who has read the Bible, and is reading it for himself -- I have to admit, it is kind of refreshing to hear him talk, because he hasn't been influenced by whatever denomination that had sunk its talons into him.He said that he family used to go to a Lutheran church when he was little, and then he went to a Baptist Sunday school for a while, I think it was Southern Baptist, but Stacey has no idea, he just went because they gave out free lemonade and cookies.But Stacey had some ideas about some things in the Bible, that kind of made sense.Of course, no Christian would believe the kinds of things that Stacey was bringing up, they were just novice things that a new believer might wonder...
No comments:
Post a Comment